NSW: MyMod Summer Madness 2012

Not Work Suitable (If You Work For Prudes – I worked somewhere we copied VHS porn while working, with the guv’s happy approval, once.) If Nipples and Buttocks Offend DO NOT READ THIS
I am, for some reason, a bit like the sort of curry stain you get from Turmeric upon white cotton. It’s what makes curries orangey. No matter what you do; wash, soak or boil, you just can’t get rid of it. Thus, in a career spanning twenty years so far, I have seen car magazines come and go and seen people have their careers in car audio wax, ebb, and wane and have had some incredible milestones along the way. Like the trips to Japan and Vegas, let alone Greece, Paris, Berlin and Hildesheim and Amsterdam. I missed the Reykjavik trip with Kenwood though&;.. (It was to preserve my marriage and it paid off as MeJulie presented me with tickets for us to go there for my birthday! MWAH Dolly!) I span Cassette, CD, DAT, MD, DVD, MP3 and BD formats but only BD is not yet in car!
And as well as doing the serious mobile electronics reviewing, I found myself in the world of modified cars at Max Power. Initially, I was a bit sniffy as an audio man through and through, I didn’t feel that I fitted in. That soon changed. After all, I loved custom car shows as a child in the Seventies. These days the EMMA sound off scene is still about cars modified pretty much exclusively internally, rather than externally. Although we do respect a ‘Big Three’ cable install and as much alternator power bolted on as your engine can cope with.
As the modded metal mags had the massive circulations, Max Power was a deeply cool place to be Ice Editor. After getting New Broomed out of there four years later by a fresh editor who didn’t like me (muh! That really hurt&;.) I in fact ended up much happier at Fast Car and it was only the Internet seven years later that kicked 42% off their readership in a year, which saw me become a sadly unaffordable luxury for them. That was when I joined Talk Audio.
Nowadays, FC is all over the new media. Apple’s Newsstand launched Fast Car’s digital edition last November (2011) and a load of specials since, (like Ultimate Fast Cars – a supercars edition) in several language versions (including South Korean and Russian!) and have always been in the top ten for sales. And 1.3 million have downloaded the free issue. Now you can, too – let’s see a spike! link
The magazines all made videos (they took the form of a free VHS on the cover – wow!) and had dance stages and presence at car shows, sometimes even both Max and FC in opposition. I was obviously full of it and got asked to present such items, which I plainly adored doing, first for Maxy P, then FC. I have made proper, actual grown-up terrestrial TV since but nothing has ever earned me the same happy feedback from folks saying they loved it, as the time I was sent to see the 500bhp Cossies-in-the-living-room family. I was in a dressing gown and holding my teddy bear slippers, which were shaking, as I related my experiences as a passenger next to the psycho who owned it. I was so scared, I had not wanted to go on camera. The director made me do it. I was grey, shaky and crying a bit. BRILLIANT!
So, to finally come to the point, I am an experienced fat man and have worked with a great many promoters over the years. Some good, some bad, some excellent. My favourite I shall plainly state is the team behind the Modified Nationals but the promoter of this weekend’s last event is a diamond geezer. I am of course talking about my being hired for the second year running as Master of Ceremonies of the MyMod Summer Madness.

Trouble is, the very nature of what the pool party is, has meant some tough venue location challenges, for the MyMod magazine culture is deep into the Girly Zone. Think Snoop Dogg. Last year’s was raucous and resulted in my only age-restricted video on YouTube. This time around, I shall cobble a slew of clips together and see if it gets left unchallenged! For the MyMod Summer Madness show is about wicked cars and wicked girls.
On reading-through, I figured you just want to SEE last year’s age-restricted video&;


You gotta love a patriot.

We had a venue last year where the policy was that raucous rudeness was permitted – but only if the hotel owner could film it and keep the rights! This year, the organisers found the Eureka Club in Kent. They run a massive 19,000 strong forum of nudists but the club itself is huge, with 23 acres, a heated pool and a grassy area with small bonk-cabins, sorry ‘chalets’ with enough room for a double bed and a heater. A curtain in the window and a small deck area make these the places that folks retire to for what ever reason. As well as offering overnight accommodation of course.
I gather that there had been some kind of Bacchanalia the night before we arrived, for as soon as my main man and star of USC, James Renshaw showed up, opened his doors and dropped a bit of ‘Centipede’, a very aggrieved woman who had been awoken by Fear Register Bass, emerged from one of these chalets to tell us off, in her middle aged and quite starkers glory. It was us who were uncouth and clad&;.the boys didn’t quite know where to look.
So there were some odd tensions with the regulars feeling invaded and although the club was block-booked for us, technically, we were happy to see some of their folks a-frolic in the pool. Sadly, not one of the boring punters decided to start a general kit-off scenario in the pool area, which they aughta have! Hell, I took my flippers but no Cossie, yet didn’t want to be the fat ugly saggy one who started it – mind you I guess I might well fit in perfect with the general male nudist profile! (Sorry, it’s NATURIST, OK OKand s’welp me, when I was a lad we would go to Shell Bay in Dorset and other Playa Nudista when in Spain. I think that somewhere are shots of a young me in fins, mask, snorkel, knife, crab hook, depth gauge, compass, underwater watch and sunburned testicles&;.)
That and a couple of other issues which are a bit complicated but mostly add up to my boss being treated plain wrongly, means that I believe this show may well have been a light that burns brightly only but briefly. This may then have been the last Summer Madness under the aegis of MyMod. I hope with every fibre of my rude bits that it wasn’t, and will happily put in some serious hours of effort in advance of any show like it in future to help make it work again.

But for now, I take a pace back from being management/stage MC and egotistical DJ fettler and simply report. For like last year, the sun shone and indeed did a full on Californian style roast on our asses – or at least upon those not covered up. it was serious serial luck as rain would have destroyed it to death.

The guy who seemed most chuffed to have us at Eureka was a dude who delights in the moniker of ‘Tigger’ due not just to his uniqueness but apparently for a reputation for being made out bouncy rubber and springs he told me. If that means he has been boinging around the punters as well as being Eureka’s in-house tattoo artist, then power to him! I saw his leg had the Camaro logo and just had to snap it against the car that visited wearing one. I could tell he thought we were cool in general.
Tigger’s Camaro tatt.

There were lots of blokes and some really fabulous cars. The Facebook activity afterwards was mixed with some real sad acts all trying desperately to be the Silverback and be the most knowing and clever. The guys who showed up were all really cool and had some tasty metal with some awesome engines. I saw Kitt from Knight Riderthe ACTUAL PROP CAR!

And one lad had made the most perfect decal for his bonnet – I gave him Best Interior for it, as his ride was intensively detailed and wore some cool wheels and subtle mods. This kind of sums it all up – check the posed reflections of the boys and me in the bonnet. Like the Kray Twins and a fat bloke.

Basically, we had the best of the EMMA crew in to play and the PA from a club to tear the afternoon apart and piss off the neighbours. The DJs were mostly biddable (Mad Block Selecta my personal choice) but guess what? As soon as I had finally got at the encrusted-with-club-spume Soundcraft Spirit desk and set up the tunes as ‘loud’ and my vox as ‘totally top of the mix’ we got noise complaints from the neighbours, who specified, it wasn’t the P.A. per se but my voice they were complaining about. (This from my boards’ signature lines: ‘And they PAY him for it! We get it for free, unfortunately!’ Julie & Simon Rayner)
A helpful and terribly gay lass was the main judge for the model contests. A bloke called Piers was also chosen as a judge for being a bit beefcake by the head of the Cruizerbabe girls but got mostly ignored by the Lipsticky Sapphic entrants to the model contests. I asked them do dance at the judges. Kelly with the Mohawk was chuffed and loved it. Here she is with her girlfriend.

There’s a few more images of her eating this lass, which was needless as there was a Watermelon stand as well as the food from the café on site.
I had a bloody blast and made a slew of daft video clips, which despite the slight coming and going of sanity and me more or less remembering to state I was sponsored by Sony each time, I now offer up as the single biggest cobble together – you cain’t call it an ‘edit’ – of the stuff I filmed on the day. There are semi naked buttocks but I think I kept it nipple-free in order to get past the YouTube mores.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vI7bJ7qiY0A

By the way, when I was 13, my mum wrote for the Sun newspaper and would bring be back home some unwanted massive-size black and white prints of Sam Fox and Linda Lusardi for my ceiling. Google them. She was a wonderful mum. (I dun ‘arf miss her, she would have peed herself laughing and looked ‘all horrified’ as I told her every last gory detail!) So I shall not be ashamed of breasts, how ever madly over-pert they may be through augmentation.. well, like these ones:

Anyway, here is one of the biggest galleries I ever laboured to upload and in another keystroke stick-for-the-back have decided to caption as many as I can. However, just for drooliness, I include some swapsies and other versions of some shots. So click the slide show and enjoy, right here: link
But I save the best for last and tantalisingly so, for all I have here is an interior video with a Rayner clearly with the heat shakes (I bloody roasted and didn’t get in the pool – muh!) with Pat Ryan and his Punisher Hearse. Pat read Max Power way back when and although he never told me to my face, admitted to Adam Cassim (another bloody cool promoter BTW) that he bought Max Power just to read my stuff, aged 13 and was a huge fan!
Later, he bought a Coleman-Milne Hearse for fifty quid and over five years he did the most amazing install. It had been in the car a year when I caught up with it at the MyMod Summer Madness and I want to do a full feature on it. But for now, just check this car out. This was a bit emotional for me, as way back then I gave a Major Damn about the youngsters and was always careful to treat them like grown ups!


I do so hope that the complex behind the scenes stuff may be resoled but just in case, if you were at these or either of the MyMod Summer Madness shows, then you are truly in a very cool and maybe horribly limited club – if there are no more. But I can say I am DAMN PROUD to have been a part of something so deliciously bonkers and yet cool. There really is a major party possibility here for future enjoyment but we need the right place and that’s the toughest part of all.
Thanks for the peak of the summer, MyMod, is was a blast! And a HUGE thank you to the game lasses who were there to titillate and cavort, we loved you all, all shapes and sizes (well, I did&;)