YOU AIN’T THE JUUUDGE!

Extracted from my editorial this week: I have done national radio about how we have had no warden enforcement at all on my local parade in the past. It was brilliant. Nowadays on my local high-street, parking is 20p for an hour or you just press the button for a free half-hour display-in-window ticket.
And we have wardens.
I had a knob of a traffic warden ostentatiously sashay up to my car and pose like a loon, trying to look like a Village People tough guy in Aviator reflective shades and lots of equipment, as I returned with my ticket. It was a blatant nasty. The kind you cannot normally complain about. He wanted to inflict a bit of fear and loathing.
And I don’t like that.
So I gave him the Full Brian Blessed, (A ‘˜Hoodling Roar’ to quote A.A. Milne, wherein I made it clear I would not be impressed if he was trying to issue a fraudulent ticket) then I got in my car and immediately called the council to ask someone to have a word with the fool and tell him he wasn’t Judge Dredd.
But no, they insisted I put it in writing.
Then they ignored me
What follows goes on a bit, quite deliberately if you are bored and have a phone, or tablet on the loo, on mobile, then this a Jolly Good Read, I hope
If you persevere, you will find the wonderful nursery word ‘disrespectable’ at the end.
Hilarious but unsurprising to find low literacy in the council office, or a jumped up fool wanting to be a traffic warden sigh..
‘Put it in writing? I’ll give you put it in writing’MAIL ONE 25th June 2015: FAO Manager, Parking
Hello, Adam Rayner, soi-disant Motoring Journalist here. (I Google better than the actor of the same name, due to the huge number of pages used on the website forum where I edit a magazine.)
I’m emailing you following calls with your colleague Sue in parking services. I gather that this is an issue you’re interested in addressing and thus require something written to work from.
I have a great face for radio and although you can find a bootleg video of me on YouTube on the sofa on BBC Breakfast, looking vast next to the good-looking and petite presenters, I do more radio. BBC Radio 5Live, BBC Radio 2, BBC 3CR, BBCs Northants, West Midlands and Scotland and BBC Wales come to think of it, all get motoring journalism contributions on their radio stations a few times a year from me..
I get to talk about all sorts of issues. I confess I have described in glowing terms, on the radio, the previous utter car parking anarchy on Bushey High Street. There were no machines nor enforcement of the yellow lines. There was very little abuse, yet it all worked.
However, that has nothing to do with my complaint and grown-ups know that without any parking enforcement sanctions, traffic and pedestrians’ very existence would be way more stressful and dangerous.
Likewise, the ancient cliche-truisms concerning motivation for employment in the nature of the job in applying fiscal penalties, have always resulted in traffic enforcement officers (“wardens”) being the butt of jokes-in-anger, like in Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.
My own personal experiences in areas of genuine parking stress are in fact the total opposite. I have regularly been warned and moved on rather than simply being ticketed in my driving career, by parking enforcement whose motivation was simply keeping their beats flowing and working.
However, yesterday afternoon at just about 4:30 PM I drove up to use the post office the on inside the CO-OP supermarket on A4140 High Road, Bushey Heath. I had of course forgotten it was Wednesday and in the event only posted my son’s birthday cards in the box outside, rather than effecting my wife’s catalogue returns. I kind of ‘styled-it-out’ up and down the pavement, just popping my letters in the box, pretending I wasn’t holding any parcels!
Since the new machines were erected, I make a point of getting a little 30 minutes freebie ticket, or if getting a haircut paying the princely twenty pence. I was heading in the south-east direction towards the Alpine restaurant junction. I spotted a proper parking space facing the other direction at the precise moment that the adjacent crossing went red. Thus, I carefully swung my car around and parked in the space facing the right way. I had of course seen the parking officer’s hi viz jacket, as he was working on the same side of the road as I had been driving. This is the last parking space before the painted zigzag markings for the crossing mentioned above.
I have over £2,000 Worth of cameras fitted to my car. Their output shows on the screen on my dashboard. I shuffled to and fro carefully for a moment to make sure that the rear bumper of my car was not so much as one inch over the end of mark of the zigzag paint. I recall my father once getting a parking ticket for a occluding a yellow line zone by 2 inches with his bumper. I would never let that happen to me. I got out of my car and walked around the back 30 feet to the ticket machine very close by. I pressed the button once, printing a 30 minutes ticket then immediately thought better, pulled twenty pence out of my pocket and printed a one hour ticket in case there was a queue at the post office. I had of course not realised it was Wednesday at this point..daftly!
Turning around, I see that the parking officer had crossed the road to where my car was parked, and stood there in his reflective 1970s aviator mirrored sunglasses, was apparently living out a boyhood fantasy or being Judge Dredd crossed with Batman, Utility Belt and all. I have been out on my car for less than a minute at a range of less than 30 yards but he seemed to find it either amusing or necessary to cause a little bit of fear and loathing. I personally experienced the national news grade corrupt behaviour of parking enforcement in the London Borough of Camden. Do please google this. I would rather make it clear to parking enforcement officer that I am legally parked in a manner that they will remember, and may be witnessed, rather than engage in an appeal process after a ‘moody’ ticket. I prefer to be proactive.
So yes I raised my voice, projecting is what actors call it and I was taught how by my daddy. Think Brian Blessed… I saw the posture, I saw the body language, I saw the relish with which he was entering the data. Every shred, including his speed of materialisation, was beyond clearly intended to cause as much adrenaline stress in the driver, i.e. me, as possible. I said, “Are you about to do a Camden on me? If so, it will be the worse for you.” This was roughly 100 dB, but probably a little louder by the time I got close enough to place my ticket within 3 feet of his face, ranting, “Look, I was in the process of getting my ticket.” This cartoon character’s response, was to hide behind his childish aviators with a silly mirrored lenses and say nothing. Mind you, that would have broken his cool. And I was both large and clearly NOT happy.
The digital devices that your staff use, must record every single keystroke, no? I would like you to look at this operative’s device and find my car’s registration number. For I believe it is in there. KV 64 PSO Captain Jeddack, unless those stupid mirrors were blindfolds rather than sunglasses, could see me going to and returning from the ticket machine. he saw me get out of my car and crossed the road in an instant. he practically matter-transported like in StarTrek. The sole purpose of posing by my car, giving it the full cartoon character childishness, was his own entertainment. And that is my point. This vile individual has taken a job for the wrong reasons. Why else expend cost and effort on behaving like that, when it was perfectly visible the driver was paying to park? Think about it. Seriously, what possible reason was there for him to do that? The same reason he likes the 1970s stance. It’s deeply silly and in driving for 30 years I have never quite had an experience like it.
Having been thwarted from delivering my parcels, as described above, I went back to my car, left the parking space to go on my evening office run to collect my wife. I obviously felt it was necessary to telephone parking services immediately.
The trouble is, this sort of complaint is hard to quantify. I know for a fact that parking enforcement staff are trained in people skills by some councils in efforts to reduce confrontational incidents. But I think this chap needs somebody to have a word with him and explain that this sort of behaviour is unacceptable. Moreover it is dammed childish and I for one will not put up with it. His little bit of roadside theatre managed to change me from placid to upset with vertical skill. He needs training or retraining and he needs to be told that he is not the Terminator. Nor Judge Dredd, nor a member of a SWAT team. I can tell you, that after I made it perfectly clear quite how displeased I was, (I too am the size of Brian Blessed and as loud) he moved off and his whole body language had changed.
I would have been perfectly happy to have had this dealt with by a telephone call but Sue called me back today and told me that the only way this could be dealt with was was by email.
As long as somebody does have a word with this twerp and explain to him the nature of his job, (and maybe even choose his sunglasses for him!) then I shall be mollified. But I do suspect the digital devices they use have evidential qualities and that each keystroke is recorded. If I’m wrong, I am wrong but if correct, you will have concrete proof that he was posturing to upset to the public and no other reason, for that will be time recorded with my numberplate. And I have kept the ticket I have had issued. I suspect they will be within the self same minute.
Yours still considerably irritated,
Adam Rayner, motoring journalist.
REPLY ONE: (Same day)
Dear Mr Rayner, Your email has been forwarded to the Parking Services manager who will respond in due course.Regards
MAIL TWO 6th July:Interesting expression, “due course”…means we will ignore you?Bad move. Bad BAD move… limit of patience has been reached. Do I have to come and find you in person? With my video camera?
REPLY TWO 7th July:Dear Mr RaynerAny correspondence should be dealt within 14 working days from the date it has been received in our office, however this may not always be possible depending on the depth of the investigation and if the people involved are on annual leave. The Parking Services Manager has been on annual leave therefore Mr Rump would not have advised of a time scale, however the Manager has returned this week and I will bring this matter to her attention and you will receive a reply by 14 July 2015. Regards
MAIL THREE 5th August after no reply and a truly nasty call I made. Funny how it got an instant effort in result.All I EVER wanted was for someone to have had a word.. with the chap who threatened me.
But no, so you got it in writing, then invoked my Marty McFly Character Flaw by ignoring me.
You don’t call Marty McFly ‘chicken’ and since I got to be six two and sadly, 300lbs-plus, I have always felt that if I am being ignored,then it HAS to be on purpose – as you cannot miss this much ugly git. Knowing it, doesn’t stop the flaw existing of course… even if you fight it. Poor Marty.So now my unpleasantness is on record and I am happy to leave it there, tit for tat.
It’s bloody vile, when unprovoked, nor deserved, isn’t it?
I am sorry I had to be so damn aggressive and actually feel sorry for the chap who got my call, but not one remote shred of remorse do I feel for my opinion or approach. That warden is stupid man in the wrong damn job. Yes, I said ‘warden’. Deal with it.
You can do whatever action you now choose, I am done, well, except for writing this up and publishing to my readers as well as offering it free to the local press, bless ’em.
Mind you, it’s deep Silly Season, (Google it with reference to the press) the Nationals love a Traffic Warden story – and this is a doozy.
Adam Rayner, motoring journalist.
PS Cut and paste the above into Google
REPLY THREE 6th AugustDear Mr Rayner
I understand that you contacted our office yesterday morning to enquire as to why you had not received a response to your complaint regarding one of the Councils Civil Enforcement Officers who you have categorised as an ‘˜Employee who read the wrong cartoon as a kid’.
I have read your detailed account of the events at the time and I can only glean from this, that you were unhappy with our Civil Enforcement Officer wearing sun glasses and the style of them. The council does not have a policy on the wearing of sun glasses or indeed the style of them but on days when the sun is out in full force it would be acceptable that our Civil Enforcement Officers may find it necessary to wear sun glasses for protection from the sunlight.
Having spoken to the Civil Enforcement Officer concerned and looked at his evidence, I can confirm no vehicle details were entered into his handheld or his pocket book at around that time. He would have logged the street as he entered from the nearby road (California Lane) and would have started to observe vehicles parked as part of his enforcement. Where there is a requirement for a ticket to be obtained from the nearby machine, the Civil Enforcement Officers will look to see if there is anyone at the nearby machine to take into account that the vehicle they are observing may belong to that person and allow them time to return to the vehicle to display the ticket.
I would like to add that I find your comments and description of our Civil Enforcement Officer totally unnecessary and offensive, from your own description of your conduct towards the Officer suggests that you started the conversation off in agitated manner.
Having been advised of your telephone call yesterday morning with my colleague, I am struggling to understand why you found it necessary to threaten to ‘˜assault’ the member of staff who had not responded to your email. Please be aware that any threats against members of staff are taken seriously.
As Council Officers we are here to provide a service to the community and yes, it is true to say that not everyone feels it necessary or likes there being ‘˜enforcement of parking restrictions’. However we have a responsibility to carry out enforcement, this does not mean it is acceptable for members of public to treat the Officers in a disrespectable manner. If I was to find that one of my teams conduct was inappropriate then this would be dealt with.
Regards
MAIL FOUR August 6th
You didn’t read it. Or lack comprehension. Perhaps it was an attempt to further intimidate.I am publishing the lot.
Well done if you got this far! So, there you have it. And you know what? I can afford the fine for ‘˜Threatening Behaviour’. Sometimes, just sometimes an arsehole needs to be told what is not acceptable and I think I made my point.‘